I'm in pain..physically and mentally

I'm finding this hard to put into words but I guess it'll work best in English so here we go, while the spellcheck paints my words with red underlining..

Woke up around 10 after an early bed and a terrible night of not getting my usual peace and sleeping like a rock but instead twisting and turning while I continue to have an uncomfortable feeling and ache in my stomach and again and again keep bumping into the sleeping Ares at my ankles, at my knees, at my back.. Anyhow, woke up exhausted and feeling like I haven't slept at all and thinking it was at least noon this following day since I've woken so many times to turn and find a suitable position to sleep in for both arms, legs and neck, but no it was still am.

Getting up after all since I couldn't stand the bed any longer and begginging what I fear to be a dreadful day. Discovering that Ares been up in the night and done his buisness in the hallway, always a nice way of starting off the morning by cleaning (guess my beloved darling forgott/didn't bother to go out with the boys before he got into bed). Then taking the "kids" out Fenix decided to do a little pee pee in the elevator to moms great satisfaction! Fun, I have now officially become the housekeeper of not only our own flat but also the common areas shared with all the other fuckers in this house, whom by the way continues to toxic our lives with their discusting habit of smoking indoors!

Well inside again I find myself getting dressed to tacle this day and making myself less hiddeous to the world by putting on some makeup and trying to do a decent hairstyle, which of course ends in disaster! I don't really know why I bother anymore 'cause no matter how hard I try and no matter how pleased I am with the result when I get out of the bathroom I never ever get any compliments for my apperance anymore! By my standards I look pretty-damn-good most of the time and I actually try to stay dressed-up for the most part, except for the days of period when I feel like crap, since I see so many couples loosing their grip when they get into a relationship and stop to bother since they reason they already have the love of their life and somehow miracuosly that person is willing to stay in the relaionship no matter how ugly the partner get. It doesn't work like that! I don't want to be like that! Keeping the attraction by making an effort to look good for each other everyday, and not only for dates, has to be a main key to keeping the relationship healthy and going. But as I was saying me not getting any respons what so ever is slowly begining to get to my nerves.

Moving on to next problem on the agenda. My stomach has been doing weird things these last couple of days, an electric pain has been going on and off inside of me like someone is poking me with a knife in the gut. After every meal I've had this feeling an it has then become persistant in some minuets and created a sort of illness afterwards and heavy sleepyness. My thought have been to wait this out and see if it passes on into space but since it's still here I'm starting to think about checking to see what it is. It's darn irritating that's what it is 'cause it ruins the mood totally.

Next, I had a very pleasant visit from my dear old friend yesterday and we had a good time catching up and talking for some hours before she had to leave, time always goes by so fast when having fun! ;D Though I was thrilled and happy to see her it left a sadness after she left. I'm so fucking alone at times and I miss so badly having company or someone to run off to when I feel the need or things just build up on me and gets too much to handle. I miss girly-talk and just being in the same room as another person not doing anything special but reading magazines or listening to music, just being us and enjoying each others company and presence. Perhaps someone who shares the same interests as me and not only complain when I try to be creative. I've grown tired of trying to keep in touch with people, it has to work both ways and I'm sick of beeing the one always trying. Noone else seems to bother keeping contact, not friends nor family, so why should I? Why does this all come down to just me?! Well, because it seems like I'm the only one not having anyone else to choose from to spend time with that's why! I am loving and caring by nature and I do want to be updated with what's going on in peoples lives but hey it's not hard to just pick up the phone and send a text! I really shouldn't have to ask for it all the time.

God I'm bored in the days! Having a boyfriend sleeping until late in the afternoon I get to entertain myself, and usually that's not a problem but when I have to be quiet as a mouse doing it, that's when it becomes difficult. Even the boys can hardly play with each other or with their toys without upsetting dad so they also end up sleeping which leaves mommy sitting up all by herself in a dead silent room and no where to go. Is this how freetime of work is suppose to be like? I rather work then..

My strength as a person is not how it's suppose to be right now, I don't know if I am too stubborn or too weak to accept my flaws and embrace help to fix them. I just know that it hurts getting picked on and I don't know where to channel the frustration and aggression without further hurting people with this negative energy that has ben aimed towards me. It is not pleasant that's for sure. How do I avoid these people that does this to me when I am forced to communicate and spend time with them?

Sitting here with a cup of green-tea, Mors lilla Olle from Camellia which tastes like candy, and some slices of apple to try and cheer me up. I don't know if anyone has bothered or wanting to read this but that's my life in a box right now.. - an unsatisfying and boring life without any achievements or hopes of fulfilling dreams any time soon.